Improper Use of Expensive Aerial Attack Airships

Now Hungry Ghosts rarely pays attention to the current comings and goings in the various armies of Warhammer 40K or Fantasy Battle. OK, he views them as crazy expensive sprues of juicy bits for conversions when they get broken down and tossed on eBay.

And the occasional writing in The Book of Grudges. Lamenting the utter destruction of Orky Kultcha, regardless of past enmity. We miss Khorne Stormboys. Mad Boyz were always good for a laugh, though snarrffulling bubbly beer may bring a few tears to the eyes.

We wuz orkses. We wuz fun.

 Groaning about the Beastmen turning from wild hordes of insane convolutions of animal, vegetable, mineral, and man to domesticated livestock with pointy sticks.  

Not all goats. Not at all.

 Mocking the grotesque proportions of the Dwarfs and Ratlings...

 ...and pointing out how on every element of monstrosity – spiky bits, giant guns, huge body parts - the Daemons of Chaos are outdone by Tyranid, Goblins, Dark Eldar, Necrons...

Daemon Prince, Tiny-legged, Wee-headed, Daemon Prince

But now things have gone too far. Coming suspiciously close to the revelation of the Legioss Moriad XIV Experimental Aeronautics Agency, Games Workshop has released a new WFB Dwarfs Army Book and several new models.

Amongst the Mighty Lords of Mighty Prices comes the new Dwarf Gyrocopbopter or whatever it's called when you don't want to say something is a helicopter, 'cause you can't trademark helicopter. Take a looksee: http://tinyurl.com/gyrocopbopper

So COMPLAINT THE FIRST: Notice that you can make a Gyrocopter or a Gyrobomber out of the set. If you go through the pictures and/or text ("The Gyrocopter is a small yet nimble war machine." and "Kept afloat by two rotor arrays and a dirigible balloon, the Gyrobomber is part Gyrocopter and part airship.")

You will see that the Gyrobomber is about twice as big as the Gyrocopter.

Once upon a time, there was a game company that would notice that the Bomber is about twice as big as the Copter. That company wouldn't just sell one set that leaves the Dwarf enthusiast with a relatively small Gyrocopter, a pile of bits, and eyes watering with tears for the same price as a big old Gyrobomber, not much bits left over, and happy happy joy joy about their monstrous flying dragon-killer.

That company would say, “Hey, let's sell a Gyrocopter and a Gyrobomber as two different sets with prices reflecting the differences in size and complexity.” Or maybe “Hey, let's make one big-ass boxed set that let's you make one big-ass Gyrobomber or two Gyrocopters, swift as dragonflies.”

Instead, you blow $45 on a model that uses half the stuff in the box. Merry Beermass, beardlings!

COMPLAINT THE SECOND: Gaze upon the text accompanying these amazing flying machines.

“Gyrocopters and Gyrobombers represent the best of Dwarf engineering. Designed by the Engineers Guild and inspired by combining dragon and drilling machine the original Gyrocopter design took centuries to gain acceptance.”

There seems to be some words or maybe punctuation left out of that blurb, but we get the essence: these machines are the best, and the best means expensive, the best means prestige, the best means Living Ancestors tell you before you board the craft: “take care of this fucker or we'll have your balls if you survive the crash-landing.” Right? Right.

But instead of this proper care and handling of an expensive experimental awesomeness that took totally a lot of time to get permission to create, we are told that these machines are:

“Piloted by beardlings (still growing into their whiskers!) these fearsome war machines are regularly seen bombing the battlefield with wanton abandon.”

Hungry Ghosts has no problem with using fearsome war machines, or bombing the battlefield with wanton abandon.

Hungry Ghosts does have a problem with experimental war machines and weaponry... a problem with making too many of them. The fact is that the Dark Mechs of the Legioss Moriad have a free pass to screw around with any manner of machine, be it meat or metal, or more likely both.

 Most recently, there's been uncontrollable urges to develop mobile weapon platforms that eliminate the need for a team of two to handle a heavy weapon. Like so:

Hungry Ghosts Mechs are busy melding these Necromunda Pit Slaves (Pit Slave 4 and 5, fresh from the Underhive!) with the type of weaponry normally seen mounted on wheels or tracks. In the interests of controlling the beasts and gathering lots of datas, our Pit Slaves have implanted computronic displays, info-jacks, and cybertubes.

These here Pit Slaves were purchased for use as the other three: vehicular violence victims.

But they are honking huge comparatively, and well armed... except for the arm cut off... or maybe now they're even more well armed … stupid pun confusion ….

"Don't press the Red Button" "Which one's the Red Button, he ain't painted yet?"

The Galaxy's Worst Cell Phone Contract Ever.

 The Dark Mechs of Moriad have a Dark Fascination with taming and controlling the ancient enemy of the Dwarf race, the dreaded Rust Monster. Here we see one such experiment, obviously going quite well.

Not only does our Rust Monster have twin-linked Las Cannons mounted upon its back, extra firepower has been pumped up by replacing the forelegs with Eldar Webspinners fresh from the exarch. All of this weaponry did require installing some additional brain power to the insect.* But care was taken to ensure the minimum was added, just a few little neuro-nubbins.

Back to the beardlings. Yes, beardlings like to get into all sorts of shenanigans. If your beardlings insist on flying, we know what to give them.

Put-Put Away Young Eagle, Put-Put through the Clouds in your little Cloud-Cars!

And of course they'll want to play with some dead bodies, or semi-dead bodies, try out some cyborgization or reanimation. So you let them play in here:

Not super expensive flying machines! Not even the pile of bits left over when you make the Gyrocopter instead of the Bomber!

Long rambling rant complete.

'Puters are hard when you come from a low-tech world

*Moriad Mechanicii have determined that the Rust Monster was possibly the first Tyranoid entity to penetrate the Great Bearded Galaxy**, long before the Catachan Devil or the Ambull.
**You didn't think we'd call it the Milky Way, did you?

Squats Fly Again: Hungry Ghosts Take to the Skies

From searching the murky depths of the galaxy...well, from our eBay alert for "space dwarfs"...we find more evidence that Squats once flew through the air like, um, like GW had left over hover boards from their Judge Dredd range.

There they are, hovering mightily behind the mass of infantry from the Space Dwarfs box, who have had some fun with the Orks box judging from their weapons and other goodies.

They truly hearken back to the age of deodorant canister orbital landing craft. We've got some popsicle sticks glued atop what I'm going to guess are chic Capri Sun bendy straws. Or Tootsie Pop sticks. Drilled with a delightful lack of regard for what becomes of the excess bits of plastic. And one is painted silver!

Hungry Ghosts must divert to a recurring puzzle: what the hell is going on with that paint? We'll do some boots here, some visors too. Let's not forget to use all the primary colors. Pick them with our eyes closed, that'll be fun. Somewhere Art is crying.

And here is the original illustration, hover board whizzing above the fray, making one wonder what the drawing looked like before being cropped to fit into the book, or magazine, I forget.

The Legios Moriad XIV has its own experimental air force of devious intent and malicious construction. Their mechano-tentacles know no boundaries.

Our program is overseen by Hungry Ghosts Dark Adeptus Mechanicus Wyrm Vulkaan. DAM Vulkaan has been working with his own personal flight system as well as guiding the general research and development program.

With the loyal assistance of some early prototype air crew. (Which are a Scrunt Hover Craft Pilot from Olley's Armies and a hybrid Paranoia Robot torso with Epic Eldar Nightwing fusilage.)

Below, we can see that the anti-grav propulsive systems have matured from light to heavy load bearing to ferry about the tools and parts as needed for experimental purposes. (assorted plastic bits and Dwarf Master Engineer with Handgun Backpack)

In the back, we can see the most ancient of the Squats' experiments in aerial activity, the Iron Claw Cloud Car. The technology of the time limited the propulsion system to pilots of Beardling age. Unfortunately, Beardlings are not the most cooperative of workers, having the stubbornness of Fully Bearded Dwarf Warriors but the teamwork capacity of an Eldar Ranger. Their small size has led some to confuse the pilot of this model with a Halfling, which only makes them more likely to zip off in a pout.

Here we can see another early test subject, developing a lightweight and speedy system that unfortunately demanded that the test subject have the lower half of his body replaced for the sake of science. (Scrunt Vehicle Driver on Tau Shield Drone bottom part with the rest of the Epic Eldar Nightwing as a directional guidance system (ok, it's a fancy rudder).)

And the Beardling Cloud Car has already reversed trajectory. How do we reach these kids?

Also a very experimental Bloodletter-Tyranid Gargoyle hybrid. Sometimes (=always) the Ad Mech works under the influence of substances. 

Plus he's evil.

 We have found that an early commitment to the program provides an excellent motivation for success. You do have to be careful about how insistent you are, and to whom you are insisting.

Our half-a-Scrunt utilizes one of the early Rogue Trader Space Dwarf Jump Packs. These were only produced for a short time, and only for 3 Space Dwarfs - Gatt Gunslinger, Roth Bergmann, and Owen Garand (in the picture). Garand and Gunslinger were modified to have a small leather/cloth type backpack in place of the peg for the jump pack at some point in the late 1980s, Bergmann just disappeared from production forever.

Of course, the aerial program that is the most advanced is a giant sized version of the old Space Dwarf Jump Pack. The Hungry Ghosts have assembled a team of Squats without acrophobia, equipped with intricate personally designed power armor, with a monster jet pack attached (from Chapterhouse).  They are similar to those used by Space Marines of various colors, but systems with the power to launch a mutant giant clone humanoid across a battlefield can send a sturdy Squat so much further.

The Hungry Ghosts have contracted the services of an outside consultant to advise the Skagerrak Skallen Fangsters Aerial Assault Squadron on the art of flight dynamics and the all-important landing-without-dying.

Half Daemon, Half Dragon, Half Machine (you can do that if you exist in multiple dimensions simultaneously).

Known only as The Drakoniak, payments must be made in blood or oil, but isn't that always the way? There are whispers of a world called Krymn, or Krull, Kakrakkis? but rumors are for the Elves.

(We have, in plastic, a Chaos Space Marine Torso, Imperial Space Marine lower body and left leg, Tomb Kings Chariot Driver Tabard, Dwarf Regiment Dragon Head, Rogue Trader Eldar Melta Gun with SM Scope, Saurus Left Arm, Right Leg from Epic Knight Paladin with a bit of its gun arm added to the Melta Gun (the Epic Knight Paladin is the Skeletal Horse of the Epic range), and metal Dark Eldar Scourge Wings, Pink Horror Tail, Necromunda Pit Slave Shears Arm, 2 CSM Shoulder Pads).

Here's our Skagerrak Captain Kytzia Anaya, from the Heartbreaker Miniatures range of evil Dwarfs (not sure exactly what they are called). He is quite an impressive fellow without any modifications, and his relatively large stature seems earned, as well as kept in proportion with his head and limbs unlike certain other company's ever-embiggening Dwarfs that are half head and no legs.

He is joined by another Skallen Fangster with a very nice skull head. Other than the Captain, the Skagerrak's are a series of Chaos Dwarfs called Ewal Dvergar, available from a fellow named Clam in Denmark.

A few more Ewal Dvergar in view. They are single piece bodies with separate heads. They also come with various axes and such and simple shields, which are unnecessary in the Grim Dark Grim Darkness of the 41st Millenium.

Here is how they fit in with the old size Squats (Iron Claw here) and Chaos Dwarfs - the Marauder line is the type they were intended to fit with. They were a special commission for Clam, sculpted by John Pickford, a noble influence upon the world of miniatures, dwarfs especially.

Another look. Aside from the close-combat warriors, there are also some grenadiers, one is on the left. He also has a few champion models available. The one I have is the fellow holding the hammer in some of the pictures.

Overall, there are 2 sets of 8 close-combat warriors (only the first is seen here), 2 sets of 3 Grenadiers, one out of stock until February, and 3 Champions. There are 10 heads in each set of 8 Warriors to go with 4 body variants.

These are nice miniatures, but are not intended to be an ongoing commercial venture for profit. So if you want some, you should act soon. Here's the website: http://claminiatures.blogspot.dk/p/how-to-get-some.html

And here's the Legios Moriad XIV Experimental Atmospheric Combat Division all together. The Legmor Exatcodiv, if you are an enthusiast of Soviet-style contractonyms.

And here we can spy in the background an ultra-secret prototype jet bike. It is rumored to be derived from ancient Slann technology. But, of course, they don't exist. 

And neither do Squats.

Chaos Squats Get a Big Red APC Soviet Army Surplus!

The Hungry Ghosts have adopted a Big Red Armored Personnel Carrier from the defunct Soviet Union. Purchased from the Red Army's Annual 1 May International Worker's Day to 8 May Victory in Europe Day Red-Tag Sale, it is a welcomed addition that has soothed Hungry Ghost's lingering sadness at never getting a Star Wars Rebel Cruiser or a GI Joe APC while a Beardling. But the first foreign nation Hungry Ghosts went to was the USSR. You can still buy a Rebel Cruiser, but you can't do that anymore.

 Here we see the Burnt Scorpions Storm Troopers charging from the rear to battle some pesky Eldar. The more observant webizens may notice that there are more Burnt Scorpions than in the past, but we'll get to that later.

 Our APC is made from a Soviet T-34/85 hull. Our T-34 was designed in the late 1930s and hit the front lines of The Great Patriotic War (aka the eastern front of World War II) in 1940. Designed by Mikhail Koshkin and Alexander Morozov, the T-34 is the tank with the 2nd largest production number of any tank (the T-54/55 is first) and is still in use by Terran armies today.

This T-34/85 was transformed for the Warhammer 40K universe as an APC by using a 1/35 scale model (compared to the roughly 1/72 scale for Warhammer). The turret was replaced with 3 smaller 1/76 Sherman Tank turrets, and the original main cannon was shortened and placed in the front. Assorted Warhammer guns and vehicle bits were added as well.

 This produced a vehicle that a bunch of Squats could plausibly fit in. Unlike certain other Bag-of-Holding 40K transports.


All of this work was done by Time DuPertuis of Armorcast, originally intended for Ork use, but we will not hold that against him.

What is nice about the T-34/85 conversion is that it has a symmetry unmatched by other military vehicles looked at by Hungry Ghosts on eBay and elsewhere. 


The length is about 2x the width, the width is about 2x the height, which is about equally divided between tracks and armor. The hull is about equally divided between the front Dakka-Dakka zone and the rear Berserker-Box zone. The angle of slope of the front and rear armor is also symmetrical. 

This 4-fold symmetry of 1:2 relationships yields the number 8, the number of arrows in the Chaos Star and the Sacred Number of Khorne. And thus we shall name our APC The Mouth of Khorne.

 So what does all this accomplish? Fulfillment of Hungry Ghost's desire to have a land-version of the Korean Turtle-Ships (Geobukseon or Kobukson) used against Japanese invasions by the legendary Admiral Yi Sun-sin in the late 16th century. They were based on 15th century Turtle-Ships, and intended for use as a close-assault vessel.

Here we see another Turtle-Ship. There is debate as to whether Geobukseon were the first ironclad vessels used, but no debate that they had lots of spikes and dragon heads attached to the front that released noxious smoke or cannon fire. Dragon heads and lots of spikes are mandatory for any armored vehicle in the Legios Moriad XIV, so the final form of The Mouth of Khorne will more closely resemble the mighty turtle.


The Hungry Ghosts will tolerate no comments about Dwarfs and Turtles sharing speed-impairments; all comparisons shall be regarding powerful armor and an ability to traverse even the roughest of terrains.

Another view of the Burnt Scorpions emerging from The Mouth of Khorne. Hungry Ghosts is still not sure what the final carrying capacity for the APC will be. But it probably won't be finished for a couple of years, so there is time to think about that. A Chaos Squat equivalent to the Imperial Crassus Armored Assault Transport may be thing to do.

One more just because.

Learn more about Geobukseon here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Turtle_ship

 

Intermission: Hungry Ghosts Plays RPGs

It is July, and Hungry Ghosts is moving from The City That the Transformers Would Destroy to the Ancient Land of Witch Trials. In the spirit of traveling back in time, Hungry Ghosts will entertain his Beardlings with tales of Games Past. Hungry Ghosts makes some strange miniature conversions, but the madness started long ago. Gamemasters: Heed this warning.

The Saga of a Problem Player

In gaming, many people play a kind of idealized version of what they would like to be in real life. I was the albatross around their necks. Excessively vicious, entirely useless, or completely insane were the kinds of characters I played. I am what is known as the Problem Player.

At one I-Con, some guy was having a play-test of his home-brewed game, and let us be whatever we wanted. So I say "Even Kender?" "Yes, even Kender." "And 'multiple personality disorder' is a disadvantage? I get more skill points to compensate?" "Yup." "Can I pick the personalities?" "Go ahead."

Thus was born a Kender Cleric of Cthulhu, with Mighty Cthulhu as one of his multiple personalities. So he was an obnoxious kleptomaniac with pockets full of melty butter, dead bugs, and your spare change under the best of circumstances. But when in the Cleric of Cthulhu personality, he would summon himself as Mighty Cthulhu, and try to eat the faces of the other players.

Whatever the game, when multiple personality disorder was allowed as a disadvantage, I took it.

I was banned from playing the Star Wars RPG because I wanted 2 characters - a one-armed Wookiee who could speak only Kashyyk, with a Robot arm as translator and weapon, who did not get along with each other. Thus bringing up the existential question "an angry Wookiee will rip the arms off of a person, but will he rip off his own arm?"

Banned from Vampire as well. No Chimpanzee Vampires allowed. And no retarded redneck Vampire. No 4-year old child Vampire.

I can also tell you that the look of terror in the eyes of your adventuring companions when your Elf Fighter/Magic-User charges into battle wielding 2 Wands of Wonder is priceless.

Mr Biggles

And then there was the Gnome fighter, Hubert Biggles, who refused to reveal his character class to the other players, as no one in a real fantasy world would go about asking "what character class are you?" Yeah, I just said real fantasy world. Hubert Biggles also refused enter battle directly. He insisted he was a chef and was adventuring to raise money to build his restaurant.

When Skeletons attacked in the forest, Hubert used his grappling hook to lasso a Skeleton and tie it to a tree, then beat it to bits.

Once we reached the caverns of the Orcs, Hubert skittled around to behind the Orcs, taking advantage of his small size. Then he "assessed the treasure situation" while the other players lost hit points. After the Orcs were slain, the Adventurers could hear Ogre-speak in the next cave. While they discussed what should be done, Hubert passed a note to the DM that he would cut off the head of the Orc leader, kick open the door, and present the Orc-head to the Ogres, saying "Look what has become of your Orcs! Bow before our might and we may let you live!"

The Ogres were not very impressed, and the rest of the players were quite distressed. Seeing the Ogres were not impressed, Hubert once again used his small size advantage, and tumbled betwixt the legs of the charging Ogres, leaving the other Adventurers to fight while again he "assessed the treasure situation".

After the others had been badly wounded while defeating the Ogres, we found 4 comely human women awaiting rescue.

Our Mr Biggles asked the DM "can I hit on them? You know, for waitress-harem purposes?"
"Sure, roll less than your Charisma on percentile dice for each one."

Hubert Biggles reveals that he has a 17 Charisma, and actually got 3 out of 4 rolls under 17.

In this adventure, the DM was highly amused, as he knew I was a fighter, yet had not lost a single hit point through careful use of missile weapons or small size, had grabbed all the good treasure, and entranced 3 comely human women to assist him in his restaurant quest.

But when you show up for a game with a new DM with a Gnome Fighter and three NPC human waitresses...well, it doesn't help when your friend who is playing a Ninja named Mushi-Mushi (which is what Japanese say when they answer the phone, or something like that) decides he is so impressed by the Gnome Restauranteur that he discusses the possibility of being hired as sushi chef while they are scaling a castle wall.

Death Angel

And Shadowrun. I would only play Dwarfs who used guns bigger than they were, or Elf Snipers who were never seen. Our maniac Dwarfs were named Death Angel (it was a family tradition, and Dwarfs love tradition). With lots of spiky armor.

In one incident, after needlessly starting a bar fight with some Trolls in a no-guns allowed zone (which Death Angel seriously protested and demanded to wait outside, but was cajoled into playing nice), a Troll grabbed Death Angel and threw him across the room. The spiky armor and helmet resulted in Death Angel being stuck to the wall for the remainder of the fight, neutralized and wriggling in anger.

Later, the poor GM casually mentioned that a few blocks away, we could see some Elves in a dispute with some Trolls. Knowing that the situation was irrelevant to the mission, and knowing that these Elves wore the jackets of the most powerful Elf gang in all the land, most of the rest of the players said “we ignore it and keep on going fast before they see us.”

Death Angel says “Elves vs. Trolls? Shoot the Elves!” GM again warns that these are Elves not to be messed with. Death Angel persists, as his gun is of the type usually limited to helicopters and he hates Elves (Trolls too, but they were clearly losing and Death Angel had to assist them. And ). Death Angel fires the auto-cannon at the Elves, and is vicious enough to actually kill one of the Elves and wound several others. Elves are very surprised and very angry.

Death Angel does not run away from Elves, and is now in combat with half a dozen very powerful wizards and such. His only comrade is a friend who is playing a character of the Detective class. Which is usually limited to NPCs because of its limited usefulness. And the same guy who was our Ninja-Sushi Chef.

Death Angel gets seriously wounded, but GM is the sensitive type who likes to let his PCs live if at all possible, so he says Death Angel is down to his last bit of energy but will live if he apologizes to the Elves, or successfully plays dead. Not going to happen. Death Angel says he will wait until the maximum number of Elves are close to him, checking out if he will apollywoggy or play dead enough for them to honorably let him live. Then Death Angel informs GM that he blows himself up, and hopes he takes the Elves with him.

GM and other PCs are shocked, and GM asks how Death Angel will accomplish this. Death Angel has several kilos of C-12 plastic explosives strapped to his body at all times. GM says “you need an electrical charge to set off plastic explosives.” Death Angel says he wears Shock Gloves. GM and other players demand to see character sheet. Character sheet reveals that, yes, Death Angel had the necessary equipment, and had, in fact, always planned on dying in that manner. And then destroyed several city blocks.

Our Detective friend survives, but spends the rest of the adventure burnt bright red and naked. And refuses offers of new clothing.

Other specialties of mine were playing the Useless Bard, the Slutty Druid, the Actually-Practices-What-He-Preaches Paladin, the Barbarian who eats what he kills. Or what others kill, including other PCs when they die. “But we can't resurrect him if you eat that arm...”

When given the chance to play super-powered D&D with something like 100 levels to distribute among whatever character classes you wanted and play races not usually permitted, I played a level 100 Leprechaun Illusionist.

Anton Christpuncher

The Christpunchers were my family for The Sims. I refused to buy them a house, and instead purchased a circle of cactus plants. I placed several couches, televisions, and bars inside the cactus-circle. But no bathroom.

Each of the Christpunchers, Anton and the Mrs, and our little boy-child and girl-child, had their own television. They all played their TVs at maximum volume. This made the Christpunchers engage in physical combat with each other. Which were enhanced by the alcohol. Which was the only source of food (yes, The Sims considered booze as food). Which the children also consumed.

So the drunk children fought each other. Mr and Mrs Christpuncher fought each other. They would break each others' TVs, which were replaced. The Christpunchers didn't have jobs, but a ring of cacti is considerably cheaper than a house, so there was plenty of money to replace the TVs. Lacking a bathroom, they would soil themselves and pass-out due to excess alcohol.

All notices from the game about school buses arriving to pick up the kids were ignored. All warnings about wife-beating were ignored.

Eventually, the game sent social workers to remove the children from this unsavory home environment. Eventually, the game sent the police to save Mrs Christpuncher from her husband. Which was sexist, since Mrs Christpuncher frequently started the drunken brawls.

Anton's starter funds did not last forever. The bank came to take away the couches, then the TVs, then the precious cacti. Anton was left standing in front of his bar, pounding back booze, pissing himself, and passing out. The glorious cycle of nature.

The bank repossessed his bar. Then Anton would find some money – an aunt dies and leaves him a few thousand dollars, while laying on the ground he'd find an ancient coin worth beaucoup bucks. These were used to buy more bars as needed.

The game would not let him die. I promise you that I did my best to kill him. But the game would not let him die.

Problem Player Becomes Game Master

Given these shenanigans, attempts have been made to move the Problem Player to the other side of the Wall of Fear and Ignorance (which is what the GM's screen is actually called in Paranoia).

Of course, I chose the most lethal games.

Rulemaster

Rolemaster was known for its insanely complicated rules and endless rule supplements (Want to know how much a diamond golem weighs? There's a table for that.). Also for its critical hits system, and its recognition that wounds bleed if you don't make them stop.

So our merry band of adventurers, having persevered through several hours of navigating the character creation system, begin their quest.

“You hear a rustle in the bushes.”

Ok. We are mighty adventurers, and a pointless encounter would not come so early in the game. Let the Warrior inspect the bushes.

Warrior is Level 1, and it is indeed a pointless encounter. Or at least one meant to teach that our adventurers cannot poke their noses into anything that they see or hear. So our Warrior encounters an angry badger, who has a higher initiative.

Angry Badger makes very impressive dice rolls, and scores a critical hit of severe impact. The height difference results in Angry Badger tearing off the Warriors genitals. Unfortunately, everyone thinks that they are too important to play a character-class with healing spells or skills, and our Warrior bleeds to death while Angry Badger runs off with a snack.

No more Rolemaster.

Paranoia

Paranoia takes place, generally, in an underground city run by an insane computer after the surface world is believed to be destroyed by nuclear war. The computer hates mutants. The computer hates secret societies. Every character is a mutant, and every character is a secret society member. They must conceal this from each other and everyone else.

The city's Research & Development department likes to experiment with equipment like nuclear grenades with a 100 meter radius of effect and a 50 meter maximum launching distance. If the player characters do not test their experimental equipment, they will be punished.

The society in general likes forms to record everything. Many of the games published supplements are actually packets of forms for the players to fill out. Some try to trick players into admitting mutant powers and various illegal actions. Some ask for tongue prints or tissue samples. Players start licking forms, and are told to lick harder because the form is in triplicate with carbon paper sheets in between the copies. They get anxious about what tissue samples are required.

Even seemingly beneficial events cause distress. PC tries to use cred-stick to withdraw a bit of funds for some Bouncy-Bubble-Beverage. Machine malfunctions and gives PC a million creds instead of 10. Now PC has too much money for someone of his level and does not know what to do with it.

The game is so lethal that the players actually start with a series of 6 clones, with new clones arriving after the previous clone is killed.

How can you make this worse? Send them above ground. Far above ground.

Our anxious clones are given the great honor of piloting an experimental spacecraft to the moon, which they have no idea even exists. This creates a clone-replacement delivery problem, so the moon mission requires that the extra clones are in suspended animation and strapped to the bottom of the spacecraft.

As Paranoia is designed to create animosity among players, disputes arise while flying to the moon. PC1 threatens PC2. PC2 hides in closet. PC1 fires laser gun at PC2 in closet. Laser goes through closet door and PC2, but the closet is clearly shown on the map of the spacecraft to be directly in front of the spacecraft's engines. Boom!

This moon mission is too important to let one catastrophic failure kill the program. Luckily, the clone-container managed to separate and return to earth. And our players now know not to shot lasers in an enclosed explosive environment. So the Clone 2s make it to the moon.

But the moon is an airless wasteland, and the clones don't know they can't breathe without special suits. Time to activate Clone 3.

But the moon has already been reached by both Commies from Sov-City and evil Aliens from Outer Space. Fighting disables spacecraft, and our clones must use the escape pod to return to earth.

Oops! They left their remaining clones on the moon. And the very expensive spacecraft. They return to receive a very intensive debriefing and a very large bill.

Call of Cthulhu

This is another game where you know that your character is going to die, you just don't know if you will be eaten, disintegrated, or rot away in an insane asylum. How do you make this more evil?

Things can always get worse, as every Ukrainian knows.

You tell your players that they will not be rolling up some characters. Instead, you inform them that they will be playing themselves in the adventure. You tell them they are to deliberate to decide the values of their attributes and skill levels. Who is smartest? Who is strongest? Who can throw something accurately?

That is how.

What Have We Learned?

We have learned that the Problem Player cannot be tamed by Responsibility. The problem player will destroy his character to prove a point, to entertain himself, to have the fun of rolling up a new character, to watch a Robotech re-run.

Power will only corrupt him. And he will start by removing you from your “safe” games like D&D and Champions, and make you take Critical Hits, lose Sanity Points, and generally prove to you that inexperienced hobbits really should stick to farming because Adventuring has a very high mortality rate. Tom Bombadil will not save you from every Barrow Wight.

Or will do something terribly stupid, like wanting to play Bunnies and Burrows (based on Watership Down).

Thus, it is best to confine him to adversarial gaming situations, where brutality and treachery are expected – Warhammer, Cosmic Encounter, Magic, Axis & Allies, Mighty Empires, Risk.

But some problems can't be solved. Your Problem Player is often such because he gets bored by the simplicity of many games. He will therefore often win a disproportionate percentage of these games. Worse, though, he will know when he has no chance to win, and will either attempt to lose in the most spectacularly disruptive manner, or purposefully select an opponent to overtly or covertly favor to end the game faster.

This problem player has been banned from Trivial Pursuit and Monopoly. And will only play Japan in Axis & Allies, because the game's outcome is known if competent players are involved, and Japan has the most freedom of action because nothing Japan does matters.

Ultimately, the best choice may be to let him take a go at a multi-player video game, and let him play all the slots against himself.