Crimes Against Miniatures: Too Much, Too Little, Too Terrible

Today Hungry Ghosts would like to delve into an important matter that is that barely surfaces within the miniatures painting and collecting communities. We've all seen it. We all say someone else did it. Well, someone else did it, but it's still wrong. Hungry Ghosts is talking about Crimes Against Miniatures.

Gaze upon the Horror. Yes, they are crappy plastic Bloodbowl Orcs. But this shouldn't even happen to crappy plastic Orcs.

But gaze upon the Horror. This is no ordinary accidentally tragedy: Someone had to think up this color scheme - this 6-color scheme. The arms suggest that they knew that Orcs are generally considered to be green skinned. But they picked out the feet for some light blue splatter. Then they just slathered the faces in the same blue as most of the upper body.

Who paints feet special and not faces? Who?

If you have keen eyes, you may see some green upon the neck of the Orc on the right. Yup, neck painted green. Different green than the arms.

Who paints feet and necks special and not faces? Who? Who?

And green, purple, blue, light blue...what clashes with all of these colors? Orange! How about some orange spikes? Ok, could be reasonable. Now that crotch isn't getting enough eyeball time, so let's make it orange.

Who paints crotches and feet and necks special and not faces? Who? Who? Who?

It gets worse. A Dwarf. One strongly suspects that somehow these monsters were meant to be on the same team. Also with 6 colors plotted out. And the face is now picked out to be the same stupid color as the padded shirt? 

Which makes Hungry Ghosts wonder whether the Rogue Trader Space Dwarfs shopped at the same clothier as these Bloodbowl teamsters?

And the bases! But the kicker is that the green Orc skin and Dwarf boots is Elfin glitter metallic green! Glitter skin and bright orange crotches- were these Orcs moonlighting as hookers?

From the same lot of misfit minis, two more Bloodbowl Dwarfs. Now we go from a demented-impressionist-with-no-arms painting style to really-doesn't-give-a-ratlings-ass splatter.

"Mommy we need bumblebee costumes for our school play about aminals and pwants!"

"Gaarggh. Here, yer done. Stop botherin yer Mother durin her date wiv Jack Daniels."

"Is Jack Daniels our Daddy?"

"Might as well be. Sure, Jack's yer dad."

All together now.

What's that? Did someone say "But how can I help fight these Crimes Against Miniatures?"

Glad you asked. For just pennies a day, we can provide a Fire Dragon Firing Squad to melt these pathetic monstrosities into grayish goop. 

Act now! Sanity Points are being drained as we speak!

The Fire Dragons of Craftworld Uacwansu have agreed to volunteer their time to do this dirty but necessary work. They ask only that the cost of Fusion Gun Fuel be reimbursed by your charitable contributions. You won't find that kind of giving spirit just anywhere folks.

So won't you join Hungry Ghosts and these gracious Eldar in combating the scourge of these terrible horrible malicious very-bad-and-not-at-all-good Crimes Against Miniatures? 

Paint jobs so bad they make happy little puppies go blind with a single glance. 

With your help, we can continue our mission to track down and exterminate these woeful beasts wherever they may be. Whether it be paint as thick as rotten mayonnaise, as chunky as chili, inappropriate enamels, oils, or gouache we can end this menace to puppies and art together!  

 "Phallic symbol? What phallic symbol?"

"Never heard of one of those. It is some sort of magic rune?"

"We're just firing our space guns, sir. White hot blasts..."

Too learn more about phallic space guns, please consult your local David Bowie.

Fleas the Size of Rats Sucked on Rats the Size of Cats: Citadel Scale-Creep

Hungry Ghosts just got a few of the latest edition of Imperial Guard Ratlings, and they are quite robust fellows. We'll let the pictures do most of the talking...

 And ten thousand peoploids split into small tribes...

Squat Adeptus Mechanicus flanked by Ratlings Mark 3 flanked by Ratlings Mark 1, and a wee little Marauder Miniatures Halfling stuffing his mouth at the left end.

Cute how they kept the traditional Ratling poses. Not so cute how the new Ratling looks like he could eat the old Ratling and still be scrounging through your fridge for leftovers. It's always Hunger City when you're a grotesquely large mutant Ratling.

Could strap that halfling onto the rifle instead of the scope. Scope's less greasy though. Less gassy as well. Doesn't want you to guess how many cheesy puffs he can fit into his mouth...whose idea was it to use the halfling instead of the scope?

Steel Legion Officer, Mighty Ratling, Drunk Dwarf Miner, Scrawny Space Dwarf, 

Embarrassingly Large Gotrek Gurnisson, 

Embarrassingly Small Space Marine Captain with Terminator Honors.

R.O.U.S.'s? Rodents of Unusual Size? I don't think they exist.

Power Fist, Dwarf Fist;

 A Steel Legionnaire becomes 

Delicate flower.

But I'm a Terminator! Chaos Terminator! Eye of Terror Terminator!

I'm a HORSE! Quit whining.

This is why the Iron Claw Squats Hover Car is also known as the Halfling Cloud Car.

This is why Squats and Scrunts don't mix.

Space Dwarfs Beyond the Galactic Fringes: Fantastic Miniatures Squat Heavy Weapons

Next on our Fantastic Voyage* are the Heavy Weapons Squats. As can be seen, these minis are single-piece bodies in the familiar Warhammer 40K Infantry Troika of Helmet-Hat-Bare Head (I keep waiting for Bear Head, but fear that dream will never come true...). These Squats were sold as a group, with 4 Heavy Weapon choices.

First a look at Gunner Karll. He bears more than a bit of a resemblance to the old Citadel RT303 series Gunner Karl (http://chaossquats.blogspot.com/2010/04/underdeepers-autocannon-team.html) but has pulled down his shades to protect his eyes from the flashy Grey Knights about to be blasted to bits. This Gunner Karlll is packin' a pistole in case any bugs get close in, something that the RT303 Karl should have thought of.

Gunner Karllll and the other gunners also share the love of tucked in puffy pants with the Fantastic Minis Berserkers.

From the other side, the Ginormousness of this Heavy Weapon can be fully appreciated. Is it a Missile Launcher? A Heavy Plasma Gun? A Heavy Plasma-Missile Launcher? Gunner Karlllll was given this Heavy Plasma-Missile Launcher since his slightly upward gaze matches with the upward tilt of the gun, and the bits of the gun that stick out on the top side look kind of like his hat.

Our Gunner with Helmet is sporting a tactical jumpsuit of unremarkable detail.

Gunner Helmut is firing a Las-Cannon type heavy weapon. Its bulbous center matches best with his helmet, while the ammo-cartridge at the back of the gun resembles his backpack. Another sculpt designed to blend in with the 40K Squats.

Last is the bare-headed gunner, in a kneeling position. Gunner Kneif got the Heavy Bolter type gun because it also has an angular shape mimicking a kneeling Squat. Also small and compact Kneif needed a small and compact gun.

From the right side, we can see...nothing special. Another simple design evocative of the Imperial-style Rogue Trader Squats.

Abbey Road view. Overall, the Heavy Weapons outshine the Gunners in this series. But that's nothing that a few tentacles and a pile of spiky armor bits can't cure. Maybe some severed heads here and there.

And the 4th Heavy Weapon? What the hell is it?

* A song of apt prophecy for our Squats & the Hungry Ghosts Mission-

They wipe out an entire race and I've got to write it down

But I'm still getting educated but I've got to write it down

And it won't be forgotten.