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Devoted to the Preservation, Collection, Conversion, Painting, and Resurrection of Space Dwarfs.
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Sunday, June 10, 2012

Crimes Against Miniatures: Too Much, Too Little, Too Terrible

Today Hungry Ghosts would like to delve into an important matter that is that barely surfaces within the miniatures painting and collecting communities. We've all seen it. We all say someone else did it. Well, someone else did it, but it's still wrong. Hungry Ghosts is talking about Crimes Against Miniatures.

Gaze upon the Horror. Yes, they are crappy plastic Bloodbowl Orcs. But this shouldn't even happen to crappy plastic Orcs.

But gaze upon the Horror. This is no ordinary accidentally tragedy: Someone had to think up this color scheme - this 6-color scheme. The arms suggest that they knew that Orcs are generally considered to be green skinned. But they picked out the feet for some light blue splatter. Then they just slathered the faces in the same blue as most of the upper body.

Who paints feet special and not faces? Who?

If you have keen eyes, you may see some green upon the neck of the Orc on the right. Yup, neck painted green. Different green than the arms.

Who paints feet and necks special and not faces? Who? Who?

And green, purple, blue, light blue...what clashes with all of these colors? Orange! How about some orange spikes? Ok, could be reasonable. Now that crotch isn't getting enough eyeball time, so let's make it orange.

Who paints crotches and feet and necks special and not faces? Who? Who? Who?

It gets worse. A Dwarf. One strongly suspects that somehow these monsters were meant to be on the same team. Also with 6 colors plotted out. And the face is now picked out to be the same stupid color as the padded shirt? 

Which makes Hungry Ghosts wonder whether the Rogue Trader Space Dwarfs shopped at the same clothier as these Bloodbowl teamsters?

And the bases! But the kicker is that the green Orc skin and Dwarf boots is Elfin glitter metallic green! Glitter skin and bright orange crotches- were these Orcs moonlighting as hookers?

From the same lot of misfit minis, two more Bloodbowl Dwarfs. Now we go from a demented-impressionist-with-no-arms painting style to really-doesn't-give-a-ratlings-ass splatter.

"Mommy we need bumblebee costumes for our school play about aminals and pwants!"

"Gaarggh. Here, yer done. Stop botherin yer Mother durin her date wiv Jack Daniels."

"Is Jack Daniels our Daddy?"

"Might as well be. Sure, Jack's yer dad."

All together now.

What's that? Did someone say "But how can I help fight these Crimes Against Miniatures?"

Glad you asked. For just pennies a day, we can provide a Fire Dragon Firing Squad to melt these pathetic monstrosities into grayish goop. 

Act now! Sanity Points are being drained as we speak!

The Fire Dragons of Craftworld Uacwansu have agreed to volunteer their time to do this dirty but necessary work. They ask only that the cost of Fusion Gun Fuel be reimbursed by your charitable contributions. You won't find that kind of giving spirit just anywhere folks.

So won't you join Hungry Ghosts and these gracious Eldar in combating the scourge of these terrible horrible malicious very-bad-and-not-at-all-good Crimes Against Miniatures? 

Paint jobs so bad they make happy little puppies go blind with a single glance. 

With your help, we can continue our mission to track down and exterminate these woeful beasts wherever they may be. Whether it be paint as thick as rotten mayonnaise, as chunky as chili, inappropriate enamels, oils, or gouache we can end this menace to puppies and art together!  

 "Phallic symbol? What phallic symbol?"

"Never heard of one of those. It is some sort of magic rune?"

"We're just firing our space guns, sir. White hot blasts..."

Too learn more about phallic space guns, please consult your local David Bowie.


  1. Brilliant, SG! Just brilliant. There is something very disturbing about picking out an orc's crotch in bright orange, whilst leaving the face. A psychotherapists dream, I would imagine...

  2. It's remind me of what we called in my gaming group, here in France, "Figurines mal-pas peintes" (literally "badly not-painted Miniatures"). For the small history, we were having games of Warhammer FB or Warhammer 40k some 20 years ago, and the only requisite was to bring painted miniatures (it was a free for all multi player game), a friend of ours came with miniatures looking like your Blood Bowl orcs and dwarfs...
    We told him that his miniatures were really badly painted, and he replied by telling that they where not painted, we finally called them the "badly not-painted miniatures".
    Since we always refer to his paints jobs using this term !

  3. Maybe I have some insight for you. Who paints crotches necks and feet special but not the face? A four year old my friend, a four year old.

    I'm guessing sometime in the mid-nineties before they became old enough to not be just crap some pestered dad or big brother finally gave in to pester power and let their son/daughter/kid brother/sister a few of these to do as they wished. I bet the numbers were already on the bases from being played straight out the box as it were.

    All supposition but the paints scream four year old.

  4. hola , I came here through ebay, I have some squat on the time of rogue trader, I'm interested in the family x Genestealers change, if you want my email is kluster38@hotmail.com, I can send pictures, greetings from Spain and some good blog